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15 Gems from Karl Lagerfeld, Fashion’s Most Notorious Pontificator

February 03, 2014

Karl Lagerfeld

Karl and his infamous cat Choupette, via

Fashion titan Karl Lagerfeld might just be the most ridiculous man on the planet. But as offensive as he often is, there’s something to be said for a celeb who’s willing to run his mouth like this.

Is anyone safe from this man’s disdain? Not really. But since we’re all equally unworthy in his sunglass-shielded eyes, let’s take a moment to revel in the absurdity that is Karl Lagerfeld.

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On his signature look: “I am like a caricature of myself, and I like that. It is like a mask. And for me, the Carnival of Venice lasts all year long.”

On not eating: “When I see tons of food in the studio, for us and for everybody, for me it’s as if this stuff was made out of plastic. The idea doesn’t even enter my mind that a human being could put that into their mouth. I’m like the animals in the forest. They don’t touch what they cannot eat.”

On revenge: “I know revenge is mean and horrible, but I see no reason why I shouldn’t do something back if somebody has done something bad to me. When people think it’s all forgotten, I pull the chair away — maybe 10 years later.”

On the meanness of swans: “Swans, they are the meanest animals in the world, you know. I had problems with them as a child. They hate children. I was caught by one, so I know. The idea of swans is lovely, and they have a beautiful shape, but they seem more romantic than they in fact are. I don’t think really they die like this. They just drop dead, hmm? But who wants to see that?” [Guardian]

On being comfortable: “Sweatpants are a sign of defeat. You lost control of your life, so you bought some sweatpants.”

On not having kids: “I never wanted to have children. Because if a child didn’t do as well as me, I wouldn’t have loved it, and if did better than me, I wouldn’t have loved it either.”

On how he feels after a fashion show: “I’m a kind of fashion nymphomaniac who never gets an orgasm.”

On how he feels about the iPod: “The iPod is genius. I have 300.”

On the Middleton sisters: “Kate Middleton has a nice silhouette, and she is the right girl for that boy. I like that kind of woman, I like romantic beauties. On the other hand, her sister struggles. I don’t like the sister’s face. She should only show her back.”

On wasting money: “If you throw money out of the window, throw it out with joy. Don’t say: ‘One shouldn’t do that.’ That is bourgeois.”

On his signature sunglasses: “They’re my burka… I’m a little short-sighted, and people, when they’re short-sighted, they remove their glasses and then they look like cute little dogs who want to be adopted.”

On tattoos: “I think tattoos are horrible. It’s like living in a Pucci dress full-time. If you’re young and tight, maybe it’s okay, but…”

On ugly people: “Life is not a beauty contest, some [ugly people] are great. What I hate is nasty, ugly people … the worst is ugly, short men. Women can be short, but for men it is impossible. It is something that they will not forgive in life … they are mean and they want to kill you.”

On Russian men: “If I was a woman in Russia I would be a lesbian, as the men are very ugly. There are a few handsome ones, like Naomi Campbell’s boyfriend, but there you see the most beautiful women and the most horrible men.” [Metro]

On himself: “I’m very much down to earth, just not this earth.”

Well put, Karl. And on a final note, this was Karl as a strapping young lad in what appears to be a swimming onesie. Enjoy.

Karl Lagerfeld Karl Lagerfeld

[References: New York Magazine, Marie Claire]

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Tory Hoen is the author of the novel The Arc. She spent five years as the Creative Director of Brand at M.M.LaFleur (where she founded The M Dash!) and has written for New York Magazine, Vogue Fortune, Bon Appétit, and Condé Nast Traveler. Read more of Tory's posts.

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