Gretchen Rubin Admits She’s a Happiness Bully

December 12, 2019 | Filed in: Woman of the Week

“Happiness expert” is a fine handle for best-selling author Gretchen Rubin (you probably know her from her 2009 book, The Happiness Project). At this point, Rubin’s project has spawned several spin-off books, a daily newsletter called “Moment of Happiness,” and an award-winning podcast, “Happier with Gretchen Rubin,” which receives more than 70 million downloads. Her most recent book, Outer Order, Inner Calm, takes happiness one step further by exploring the topic of organizing and how it can help manifest change in your life. (Lest you think that she’s jumping on the Kondo bandwagon, Rubin started dispensing decluttering tips in her earlier books.) Here, she talks about how to be happy at work, envy and lying, being called a “happiness bully” (by her sister!), and how she finds joy on the road. 

Gretchen wears the Annie dress, the Bezel earrings, and the Bezel necklace.

ON FIGURING OUT HAPPINESS…

YOU NEED TWO THINGS TO BE HAPPY. One is relationships. Anything you can do to deepen or broaden your relationships will make you happier. The other is self-knowledge. We all need to build a happy life on the foundation of our own nature, values, and interests, so we have to know ourselves. It’s very easy to get distracted by what you wish were true or what you assume is true, or what other people want to be true about you. You have to really push yourself to be honest. My sister calls me a happiness bully, and  I think that captures it. I can get insistent if I think there’s an opportunity for you to be happier. 

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WHO DO YOU ENVY? That’s the kind of question you can ask for greater insight into yourself. Envy is an uncomfortable emotion, but it shows us that somebody has something we want, and we don’t necessarily want to admit that to ourselves. Another question is, “what do you lie about?” If you lie about something, it’s because your values are not matching your actions.

Gretchen wears the Woolf jardigan, the Peggy top, the Mejia pants, and the Ponza earrings.

ON FINDING HAPPINESS AT WORK… 

TO BE HAPPY AT WORK is to have two things. A friend at work—somebody you feel you can confide in and who really has your back. Secondly, the understanding that your direct boss cares about you and wants to help you achieve your aims. 

SOME IMPEDIMENTS TO HAPPINESS AT WORK ARE a lack of control over your time (and space)—the feeling that you can’t do your work in your own way and you can’t plan your day in a consistent way. Managers have to think about allowing people to have their own work styles. Some people love a clean desk, and others like having piles. If they’re getting the work done, why should you march around and tell people how to do things? 

WHEN THERE’S DOWNSIZING, some people get more responsibility, and they aren’t always equipped to handle it. Do they have the tools they need to do the job right? Do they have the training, the equipment, the time to do their jobs well? People like to feel that their contributions matter.

Gretchen wears the Isabelle dress and the Williamina earrings.

MAYBE IT’S NOT THE RIGHT PLACE FOR THEM, and that’s uncomfortable sometimes for people to admit. Maybe they’ve worked hard to get there, and it’s a job many people would like, so they feel like they have to appreciate it. Now they will have to acknowledge the reality is not the fantasy. They either have to try to make it more their own, or leave and find something that’s more appropriate.

SOME PEOPLE NEED THE PAYCHECK and don’t have options. But others do. It’s more fruitful to think about what you can do to be happier at work rather than just trying to ignore 60% of your time and pretending like it doesn’t matter. My father always says, ‘Enjoy the process.’ If you enjoy the process, outcomes don’t matter as much.

Gretchen wears the Isabelle dress and the Williamina earrings.

ON WHY DE-CLUTTERING MAKES US HAPPIER…

DECISION FATIGUE IS REAL. One reason we acquire clutter is that sometimes it’s easier to keep something than to figure out what to do with it. ‘Do I use this bowl? Do I want this bowl? If I don’t want this bowl, who would I give it to? How would I get rid of it?’ It’s easier just to jam it into a shelf and forget about it. 

PEOPLE GET VERY FIRED UP WHEN THEY TALK about decluttering or organizing. A friend of mine said, ‘I finally cleaned out my fridge, and now I know I can switch careers.’ It’s a small aspect of happiness, but people will say that clearing out little tasks makes them feel more capable of taking on bigger tasks. 

ON WHY IT’S OKAY TO WANT TO BE HAPPY…

SOME PEOPLE THINK THAT IT’S NOT MORALLY APPROPRIATE to seek to be happier in a world full of suffering. In fact, it’s been shown that happier people are more interested in the problems of the world and in other people. They’re more likely to vote, give away money, volunteer their time, and help out if somebody needs a hand. When we’re happy, we can turn outward, and we have emotional energy for other people and hard issues. The world should be a more compassionate place.

THERE’S HAPPINESS AND UNHAPPINESS, AND THEN THERE’S DEPRESSION. It’s a very serious issue needing professional attention. I don’t pretend to be addressing it (in my books)—it’s outside my expertise. However, I’ve heard from people who suffer from depression and who tell me that they find (my happiness work) useful.

Gretchen wears the Annie dress, the Bezel earrings, and the Bezel necklace.

ON TRAVEL…

ONE WAY TO MAKE TRAVEL MORE ENJOYABLE is to have a packing list so that you don’t have as much decision fatigue about what to take. I think a lot of people recreate that list every time, and there’s a lot of anxiety, running around, and trying to think of everything you need. Some people find it helpful to bring a photograph of their family just to put it on the bedside table. It makes it feel more homey. Another thing is maybe there’s a treat that you allow yourself only when you travel. For instance, I have a friend who would find himself getting a Cinnabon every week or so because there was one near his office. So he made the rule for himself: He could only get a Cinnabon in the Newark Airport. I thought that was a funny way to both decrease a bad habit and yet still get the fun of indulging. He’s like, “I hate going to the Newark Airport…but at least I got my Cinnabon.”

I USED TO TRY TO WORK WHEN I WAS TRAVELING. I was on the plane or in the airport, and I’d think, ‘Oh, I have all this time when I’m just sitting around, I can get so much work done.’ Now when I’m traveling, I just read whatever I want to read. Nothing work-related. I’ll just let myself read the random stuff that there’s no billable excuse for—just something I want to read. That’s my thing. I bring a book that I’m really excited to read, or several books. I would never travel with just one. There’s nothing like getting on a five-hour flight and realizing you don’t like your book.

Gretchen wears the Woolf jardigan, the Peggy top, the Mejia pants, and the Ponza earrings.

ONE OF MY 19 GOALS FOR 2019 was to not watch HGTV in hotel rooms. When I was in a hotel, I would get mesmerized by it, and I would I’d be like, ‘Oh, I’m just going to watch one episode of Trading Spaces,’ and then I would be locked on for hours. I found it very relaxing, but it was also eating up a ton of time, so I made the decision to give it up. I don’t even turn on the TV now, because if I do, I’m like, ‘If I’m watching TV, I might as well watch HGTV.’