I (Un)consciously Uncoupled and Didn’t Even Realize It

March 26, 2014

Last night, Gwyneth Paltrow announced the non-divorce heard round the world. She and Chris Martin are splitting, or as they put it, “consciously uncoupling.” Make no mistake: this will not be a messy, uncivilized divorce. Rather, the two are peacefully drifting in separate directions in a manner that feels positively Zen.

At first, I thought, “Really? Is it ever that easy?” And then I thought, “Wait, I’ve done that.”

Except in my case, I guess it was unconscious uncoupling, because we never really planned it, acknowledged it, or announced it. Technically, we might still even be dating, but given that I haven’t even seen my ex in three years and have had two other boyfriends since then, I’d say we’re most definitely uncoupled.

He was my first post-college boyfriend, and after dating for two years, we both hit our quarter-life crisis, right on schedule. Our relationship had run its course, but rather than breaking up, we just kind of… drifted off. Contrary to my usual style, there was no hysteria, no resistance, no agonizing. I left New York for Paris and he eventually moved to Italy. He visited me once, we Skyped for a while, but little by little, we stopped talking as often, stopped saying “I love you,” and gradually went our separate ways.

There was no official breakup, just a tacit agreement that we were—I now realize—“uncoupling.”

If I’d been conscious about what was going on, there might have been more tantrums involved, but all in all, I remember it as a time when I felt peaceful, content, optimistic, and most importantly, free.

There’s no reason a break-up (or a divorce) needs to feel like a tragedy. So although we can make fun of Gwyneth for her New-Age approach to splitting up, I’m on board and wishing them the best. And as far as Moses and Apple go, no one wants to be labeled a “child of divorce.” But a “child of conscious uncoupling?” Now that sounds kind of cool.

– Tory Hoen