A Grinch’s Guide to Making it Through New Year’s

December 13, 2019 | Filed in: Your Brain

Scrooge. Krampus. The Grinch. The holiday downer is a legacy in folklore and pop culture alike, which is well and good until the holiday downer is you. A few hints this might be the case: You feel neither merry nor bright, but instead you have the burning inclination to cut the electric to your neighbor’s holiday-light display. Festive party invitations give you the sweats. Jingle Bells? More like another podcast, stat.

But being a grinch doesn’t mean you have to spend the season discreetly glaring at your eggnog. There are plenty of legitimate reasons for being down around the holiday season—and the first step to surviving into the new year is to understand where exactly your bah humbug is coming from. 

Getting to the Source of Your Grinchiness

Not all holiday haters are created equal. They can be divided into a few different groups, according to Suzanne Degges-White, PhD, a licensed counselor and chair of the Department of Counseling and Higher Education at Northern Illinois University. “The first is made up of people who feel that the holidays require too much time, too much energy, too many expectations, and too little return on the investment of all of these things,” she says. The holidays promise an emotional return—hey, it’s called the most wonderful time of the year for a reason—and if you don’t exactly feel wonderful at the end of it, you can feel let down by all that hype.

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The Ismelka top and the Bezel earrings.

Then, there are those who’ve lost loved ones recently. “Everything about the holidays screams ‘family!’ or ‘tradition!’” Degges-White explains. “And for those whose families are missing a member, it can be challenging to celebrate a holiday.” The same goes if someone is absent for another reason, like a break-up, a cross-country move, or a divorce. That absence makes it especially easy to feel isolated and alone at this time of year, when so many commercials, TV specials, movies, and songs on the radio celebrate connectedness and belonging.

“Some people almost feel forced to get together with their families when they otherwise wouldn’t—just because it’s the holidays.”

The holidays are also a lot of work. There’s the shopping, the budgeting, the travel, the visiting, and the small talk with your weird cousin, all of which can quickly become overwhelming—and, well, a fairly understandable and universal source of dread. “Some people almost feel forced to get together with their families when they otherwise wouldn’t—just because it’s the holidays,” says Nicole Sbordone, LCSW, a therapist in Scottsdale, AZ.

Finally, there are those who just feel down. Short, dark days can lead to seasonal affective disorder, a type of depression related to inadequate daylight exposure. During the holidays, “the high expectations regarding ‘good cheer and joy’ create even greater pressure on everyone to ‘show up,’ but those who suffer from depression may be driven to hide out even more securely to avoid scrutiny and to avoid being judged for their depression,” Degges-White says.

No matter what’s behind your lack of good cheer, these tricks will help you weather the season with grace and a good attitude.

Socialize in Spurts

It can be easy to RSVP a resounding “no” to every invitation that comes your way—but don’t. “If you feel the need to withdraw from social life and being around others during the holidays, don’t give in completely to those feelings,” says Degges-White. “Self-isolating can become a dangerous habit that gives you time to ruminate and focus on the negative feelings that you have.” You don’t have to volunteer to sing carols down the block, but force yourself to engage with others in small ways. That could mean accepting an invitation from friends or family or offering to pick up groceries and engaging in small talk with the cashier, according to Degges-White. 

The Blake shirt.

For those gatherings you either can’t or don’t want to miss, plan strategically. “When you attend certain events, feel free to stay for a certain amount of time, and then leave if you’re starting to feel stressed or anxious,” says Sbordone. She also recommends inviting a good friend to come with you, which gives you someone to talk with throughout the event if it’s too stressful.

Focus on Your Feelings

Having an onslaught of emotions can be a good thing—so long as you’re aware of what they are and what’s behind them. Is it dread? Reluctance? “When we feel ambivalent and ambiguous anxiety, we may have trouble functioning,” Degges-White explains. “However, by identifying our feelings, we are taking charge of our emotions, and this can actually help us feel more able to cope.” Even acknowledging your feelings can go a long way.

The Blake shirt, the Foster pant, and the Zelda boot.

On the flip side, feeling gratitude and expressing it accordingly, even by writing in a personal journal, are two science-backed ways to give yourself a lift. “Focusing on the positive events in life spurs the production of dopamine and serotonin, two natural antidepressants,” says Degges-White. Even if you come up short, just the act of seeking the good in life can balance out your brain’s inclination for the negative.

Process Your Grief

If your grinchy feelings are rooted in the loss of a loved one, the holiday focus on togetherness and love doesn’t exactly make things easy to cope with it. If you’re in the middle of a divorce, “focus on self-care and moving forward into a future that you create one step and day at a time,” says Degges-White. “Don’t dwell on the past or the once hoped-for future.”

The holidays are especially hard on those who’ve had a loved one passed away. In this situation, take the phrase “gone but not forgotten” to heart and consider weaving the person in question into your holiday traditions—or create new ones entirely. Degges-White suggests lighting a candle in their honor, making or buying a holiday ornament or decorative item that reflects their personality, or creating their favorite dish to share with either your loved ones or those in need.

The Sarah dress and the Esme earrings.

Take Care of Yourself

Amid the rush of stringing up lights, shopping for presents, and nailing down your holiday plans with your siblings, other things may fall by the wayside. You may settle for your coworker’s sugar cookies for lunch or skip the gym in order to snag a last-minute gift. But skimping on self-care can do more harm than good in the long run, since a healthy diet is a proven self-help measure for depression, per Degges-White. On top of that, “physical activity can spur the production of endorphins and also promotes nerve growth, which generates new neural connections,” she explains. “Exercise can also grow the hippocampus, which is the part of the brain that regulates motivation, emotional, learning, and memory.” If you’ve been feeling low, daily exercise and piling your plate high with fruits and veggies certainly won’t hurt.  

And though it may be tempting, spending a cozy night in with a bottle of wine and snowflake-shaped cookies is not exactly the best course of action if you’re feeling down. Once in a blue moon? Sure. Any more that, and it could become a concern. “Binge-eating and binge-drinking are both unwise and detrimental to your physical and mental well-being,” says Degges-White. Try peppermint tea, which is equal parts festive and caffeine-free.

Resist Pressure for Perfection

If you’ve ever used the word “tablescape,” then you might identify with the societal (or even personal) pressure to plan and execute a perfect holiday. And while we all want to get in touch with our inner Martha Stewart—wherever she is—remind yourself that that’s not the point of the holidays. Rather, it’s the meaning that the holiday holds for you and your loved ones, says Degges-White.

“It may be helpful to tell a friend or family member that you’re struggling and to ask them to be extra supportive throughout the holiday season.”

If you need help, whether that’s an extra pair of hands for wrapping or a shoulder to cry on, now is the time to ask for it. “It may be helpful to tell a friend or family member that you’re struggling and to ask them to be extra supportive throughout the holiday season,” says Sbordone. “Don’t be afraid to lean on people.” Many people feel down around the holidays, but few actually show it because…it’s the holidays.

Know What’s Normal (and What’s Not)

First, know that feeling like a scrooge is completely normal. “You’re often running on little rest, an irregular diet, an erratic schedule, and high expectations to be of good cheer no matter what,” Degges-White explains. “All of these circumstances take a toll on our well-being, mental and physical, and it’s natural to feel yourself getting cranky, irritated, exhausted, and down.” If you feel the need to take a personal timeout, do it.

The Ismelka top and the Foster pant.

However, “when you find yourself hiding out from life, or if it’s harder and harder to force yourself out of bed, keep your commitments, or fulfill daily obligations, then you may need to take a good look at your behavior and evaluate whether what you’re feeling is something more than just holiday blues,” says Degges-White. Exhaustion is normal, while spending your day in bed is not. Tearing up because you think of your mom whenever you hear a certain carol is normal, but being incapable of functioning as a result of your crying is not.

If your holiday blues are causing issues in or disrupting your work, family, or relationships, then take it as a sign to seek out a professional. Because while you may be able to survive the holiday season, you’ll still have 2020 to contend with after that.