5 Rules for How to Fight Like an Adult
October 14, 2015
I rarely fight with my friends. Any annoyances that pop up go one of two ways: I either bury them deep or let them slide off my back. It doesn’t seem worth it to engage in disagreements beyond, “I’m not really in the mood for Chinese. Can we go for Ethiopian instead?” However, I recently had a knock ‘em down, blowout fight with a dear friend that reminded of the importance of fighting fair with those we love and respect.
A few weeks ago, I was observing Yamim Noraim—the “days of awe” in Judaism—when you are supposed to repent for any sins you’ve committed against the people close to you. As part of the process, I candidly asked my friend Lauren to forgive me for anything I might have done to hurt or offend her in the past year. She rolled her eyes and said, “That’s ridiculous! Of course I’m not mad at you about anything.” You can see where this is going, right?
On a cold, rainy night not long after, we had a miscommunication about meeting up. It led to a voicemail message from her, which led to a text message from me, which led to me shutting off my phone, which led to two livid texts from her the next morning, which led to 20 back-and-forth texts that ranged from angry and passive aggressive to frustrated and then mildly understanding. We finally agreed to meet up and hash it out over hot chocolate. There is a happy ending here, but more importantly, I learned five critical things about how to fight like an adult.
Have your next argument in the Emily.
1. Take a moment to process.
When you’re feuding, it’s easy to get flooded by emotions that can cloud your vision. Take some time to reflect. Often, it’s not the immediate situation that’s causing you to freak out, but a confluence of feelings that are suddenly being activated by this one incident. Try not to let this relationship get caught in the crossfire.
2. Stop texting.
We can all agree that texting is pretty much the worst method of communication for conveying tone and cadence. Texts always seem to read cold when you are trying to sound measured and sincere. So stop it. Pick up the phone and have that ten-minute conversation rather than exchanging 50 rapid-fire texts, where each ping gives you another surge of anxiety. Listen to your friend’s voice and allow her to say her piece, even if it hurts.
3. Admit when you are wrong.
Facing up to our own fallibility is hard. It’s much easier to dig in our heels and convince ourselves that our narrative is the right one. But to be good friends and good people, we must examine our own behavior and be self-reflective enough to admit when we make mistakes. Guess what? No one is perfect. Admitting that we were wrong makes us vulnerable, and in that vulnerability, we can actually have real intimacy and closeness with the people who mean the most to us.
4. Intent doesn’t matter.
Even if you didn’t mean to wound someone, if your behavior caused hurt, you have to acknowledge that. Stubbornly refusing to accept that you hurt someone—even if you weren’t aiming to cause them pain—doesn’t make that person feel any better.
5. Be genuine in the reconciliation process.
Own up to your mistakes and forgive your friends for theirs. The kindest thing Lauren did when we were patching things up was to leave two hot cocoa packets for me on her way out the door. It was a subtle signal that said, “We’re cool, and there are many winter evenings spent gossiping over hot chocolate in our future.”
